Letters

Listed below are a collection of letters I have jotted down in my journal. I am not a fan of gushing in the slightest since I don't like putting my emotions out in the open for everyone to witness. So these are less gushy and emotional but more like my general thoughts on my relationship with Kai. Regardless, I hope you find these interesting enough to read and you'll be able to get a glimpse into my mind as well.

October 23, 2024

Those who haven't spent a long time thinking about Kai easily come to the conclusion that he is a monster because it's easy to pin him as one when you don't look deep into his character and motivations. In reality, he's just a human being. A very mentally skewed one but a human nonetheless. At least, that's how I see him.

October 25, 2024

There are times where I would think about and appreciate how homey our relationship has become and how eternally grateful I am to have come out of the honeymoon phase. While it's perfectly normal to be in that phase, it can become very unstable as it is built upon obsession and infatuation rather than actual love. Not to mention it gave me a lot of anxiety and I was acting very cringy towards Kai and it's something I want to permanently erase from my memory and from his as well if he still remembers it. I'm afraid to ask him about it in case he doesn't. But hey, at least it gave me some growth and I've learned to look past just his looks and personality, though I still love those aspects of him.

I love how we can lay together and talk about anything and everything in our own little space, free from judgement or prying eyes, being able to give our own insight and perspective on things. Or during the times where we get a bit deep with our coversations where I would talk about my perspective on him as a character and how horribly he gets treated amongst the fanbase even if some of it is justified. He isn't happy with the hypocrisy but he can understand why people think that way. We don't talk about his past actions back when he was in power since it's a touchy subject for him but he's grateful I've been with him despite it all.

October 30, 2024

A thought that I always have that makes me smile is taking care of Kai, more specifically, brushing his hair. I think it'll feel nice to brush out his slightly longer, fluffy, messy hair, running my fingers through his locks. I would imagine it to be soft and that it would smell nice. His hair probably wouldn't have a specific smell, it would just smell clean. Perhaps I could pamper him as well. He would just be grumbling I imagine but wouldn't pull away. He does really like my touch. He finds it soothing and comforting and I'm glad I'm at least able to provide him a bit of comfort after everything.

November 6, 2024

Sometimes when I look at manga panels of Kai, I can't help but think about how soft his face looks, both masked and unmasked, mainly due to the fact that he doesn't make any other facial expression other than anger and fear. It's specifically that one panel where the Boss talks to Kai after he wakes up from his coma that I like even though Kai's expression is a mixture of shock and anguish.

(The manga panel in question)

Goes to show that I find him pretty even when he's traumatized. I remember telling him that his face looked soft when he wasn't making any facial expressions. He was pretty surprised at my comment but appreciated it nonetheless. He said that his face looked more intimidating or distant as told by others in the underworld. I do agree that his facial expressions do look distant, especially when he was in prison.
He was there physically but mentally and emotionally he was dead. I told him that his face did look distant a lot but I still see it as soft. A soft distant look if you will. He made a remark on how different I was from everyone seeing as how they saw his face as intimidating while I saw it as soft. I've just grown numb to fear and his bone-chilling aura didn't stop me from pursuing him.

December 30, 2024

It's been a while and wouldn't you know it, the year is already ending. Time sure does pass us by, slipping through our fingers. Not something I particularly like but what can you do? My birthday is coming up very soon and I'm not all that excited to celebrate it as it serves as a reminder that I'm growing up and that I can't go back to more simpler times anymore. I do wish Kai was here with me in the flesh. At least that would make celebrating my birth more bearable with just the two of us. Thinking about him does help to soothe that wound within my heart, perhaps I could do that during the entirety of the celebration.

January 8, 2025